Penetralia
by Dulcinea86
Summary: April and Jackson Season 12 Episode 7. As always, I try to write April to be the badass I have built up in my mind of her. April realizes after her and Jackson have sex that Jackson wants to end their marriage, but she doesn't avoid Jackson's intentions to divorce her. She takes charge and that brings Jackson back to her.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello….! No, I am not dead. I have moved (again) and started a new job (again), but I think I am stationary for a while. I love my new job and my new home so I am hoping to stay here.**

 **I have today off and inspiration hit, so I decided to get back to writing. This Grey's story has been brewing inside me as I have watched GA Season 12. I am so conflicted about Jackson and April. This is a product of that confliction!**

 **I hope you enjoy. Let me know what y'all think I should continue!**

 _ **Penetralia: a secret or hidden place**_

Penetralia

April slumped down onto the couch, wine glass in hand and began reaching for the remote control when a knock sounded on the door. April checked the clock in the kitchen and frowned in confusion. It was late, so she had no idea who it could be.

Maybe it was Arizona.

April sighed as she hopped off the couch and walked to the door. She peeked through the peephole and gasped at the sight of Jackson waiting on the other side.

She opened the door and looked at him curiously, wondering if anything was the matter and her eyes fell on the bag on his shoulder. April's heart skipped a beat, allowing herself to hope that he was coming home. He was giving them another chance. This was all she wanted.

"Ja-Jackson," she stuttered out, nervously, licking her dry lips.

Jackson looked at her and said, "Can I come in?"

April held open the door and stepped aside, allowing Jackson past the doorway.

Jackson walked to one of the stools under the counter and set the bag he was carrying on the stool gently.

April closed the door, stuck her hands in her back pockets, not really sure what to expect. Was a fight coming her way? She didn't want one, but she would fight if it meant they could start talking about this mess they were in.

"Did you forget your key?" she asked, trying to break the silence.

Jackson shook his head, eyeing her with a strange look on his face.

April stepped forward tentatively and began to ask if he was hungry, but Jackson suddenly sprang to life and crossed the room so he was in front of her. She jumped in shock, but Jackson wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.

April shook at his proximity, but gripped his upper arms, wondering what he was thinking.

"I need you," he murmured, his lips brushing against hers with every word.

Still dazed, April nodded and said, "I need you, too." April suspected that Jackson's definition of needing her differed from hers. April needed Jackson in her life, but from judging from the look in Jackson's eyes and the urgent, firm grip on her body, it felt like right now Jackson needed her in a purely physical way.

Even though April preferred talking to Jackson, she was so happy just to have him there with her and to be connecting to him in _any_ way. Jackson's lips brushed against hers tentatively, asking for permission.

April slid her hands up to his shoulder, then to his neck, pulling him closer and capturing his lips with her own softly, slowly opening her mouth to her husband. Her heart thudded in excitement, feeling the familiar electric current that passed between her and Jackson every time they touched. After all these years and all they had been through, it was still there.

Jackson wrapped his arms tighter around her and began to pull her back towards their bedroom. Somewhere, in a small corner of herself, April thought this was a bad idea. But she had missed her husband. Emotionally and physically. It had been a _looong_ time since they had been intimate.

April broke the kiss and Jackson looked down at her and in a gruff, aroused voice asked, "Do you want to?"

April nodded and Jackson led her back to their room.

Jackson released her hand once they were in front of the bed and then pulled his sweatshirt over his head, revealing his chest. He was breathing heavily, staring at April intensely. Waiting.

April took a step forward reaching for the hem of her shirt and pulling it up over her head. Jackson took this as permission, and reached for her, wrapping his arms around her and angling his face to hers, kissing her gently at first but then harder. April responded, her heart thudding in her chest, harder and harder with each caress of his tongue against hers.

April stood there just kissing him, feeling Jackson snap her bra off and ease it down her arms. April, remembering she had arms, reached for his pants and quickly unbuttoned the pants and slid the zipper down. The sound caused a tingle to race up her spine.

They hadn't made love since she had been deployed the second time.

April looked at her husband as she eased his pants past his hips. His body...still as beautiful as she remembered. He ran his hands through her curled hair so softly, she felt tears sting her eyes.

Jackson stepped out of his jeans and his boxers and pulled her down on top of him as he laid out on the bed as he kissed her again.

April kissed him back, reveling in the feel of his naked body beneath her own. She ran her hand down Jackson's chest, to his abdomen and settled on his hip.

Jackson panted and then sat up unbuttoning her jeans and sliding the rest of her clothes off. He then pulled her up so that April rested back against the down pillows. April shivered in anticipation and Jackson, mistaking it for her being cold, pulled the sheets up over him and her.

April let her legs fall to either side of Jackson as he kissed her again, resting part of his weight on her and the rest of it on his elbows and knees. He took his time kissing and running his hands up her sides and along her breasts before lining himself up with her and easing in once April bit her bottom lip in anticipation.

She panted and her eyes closed as she let the feeling of him inside her wash over her. Jackson slowly moved, and soon a sheen of sweat was on both of them as they sped up. April panted as Jackson grunted in exertion, desperate to finish them both.

April raised her legs up to cradle his hips, running the balls of her feet along the back of his thighs. This spurned Jackson and he moved deeper into her, harder.

April kept up, feeling the dull thud begin in her groin build and build. Her skin tingled, her muscles both tense and incredibly relaxed. She looked up at Jackson to see him staring down at her and she held his gaze as he lowered his lips lightly to hers. April kissed him back softly.

He pulled away and asked, "Are you close?" April nodded and he seemed to accept that as a challenge and slowed his hips, thrusting long and deep into her. He hit a spot inside of her that made lights exploded behind her eyes and coupled with his fingers caressing her clit, she tensed up, squeezing Jackson to her as she fell over the edge.

Jackson smiled briefly as she came down, continuing to thrust into her as he sought his own release. April reached up and cradled his face in her hands and pulled him down to her so she could kiss him.

As their lips met, he groaned as he came loudly, shaking with the force of his release. April felt him tense and release his muscles as he finished coming as he burrowed his face in the crook of her neck as he came down. April rubbed his back until he relaxed and pushed himself off of her.

April's body buzzed in happiness and satisfaction as Jackson rolled off of her. Her heart hammered in her chest from feeling so happy and so complete.

She glanced at Jackson and the feeling was immediately gone. Jackson was staring up at the ceiling, except he wasn't happy like her. He looked uncertain and regretful. Like they had made a mistake. April's heart plummeted and she looked up at the ceiling, wondering how he could feel like that.

April stared at the ceiling, looking for the answer, but it didn't come to her. She felt tears well up in her eyes as she realized that the answer might be that Jackson really didn't want to salvage their relationship.

April inhaled deeply and held her breath as she closed her eyes and tried to compose her thoughts. The only thing left to say was that their marriage was over and the thought was heartbreaking.

With her eyes still closed and with a shaking voice, she asked, "It's over, isn't it?"

She held her breath, waiting for Jackson's answer, but it never came. She peeked at him from the corner of her eye and he was still staring at the ceiling with the same uncertain expression.

April released a breath and rolled on her side away from him, letting the tears slide down her cheeks and onto the pillow.

She didn't know how long she cried for, but after a while she heard Jackson's breathing even out signaling he had fallen asleep.

Her and Jackson's relationship was never perfect, but the biggest problem April had with Jackson was that she didn't know where he stood in their relationship, even if she asked him. He always left her wondering.

April laid next to her sleeping husband and haunted by his uncertainty. She thought back throughout their relationship and recalled when the bus exploded. Different situation, but very similar to the one they were in now. April was all in, but Jackson was uncertain. And because of that uncertainty, April didn't know where that left her. Ever. She never knew where she was. She was tired of being lost.

April slipped out of bed quietly once she was sure Jackson was asleep. She slipped on Jackson's t-shirt and walked out to the kitchen to get a glass of water. As she reached for the water glass, she eyed the wine glasses.

 _Fuck it,_ she thought, grabbing the wine glass and filling it with a small bit of wine.

She walked around the counter and pulled out a stool, eyeing the bag Jackson had left on the stool. She sighed and took a sip of wine, closing her eyes, just allowing her body to feel the events of the night.

When she opened her eyes she saw what looked like a manila envelope peeking out of the duffel bag. She looked over her shoulder towards the bedroom where Jackson slept soundly. At least one of them was able to sleep.

She reached in the duffel bag and extracted the envelope, wondering if it was work related. She opened the flap as she took another sip and then pulled out what looked to be legal paperwork.

April looked over the document, but her wine glass froze halfway to her lips when she saw it:

 _Petition for Divorce…._

 _I, Dr. Jackson Avery petition for the dissolution of the marriage between myself and Dr. April Kepner…._

April almost dropped her wine glass as it shook with the weight of the paper in her hands. Judging by Jackson's reaction to the sex tonight, she knew it was over, but to already have drawn up divorce papers...that hurt.

She dropped the divorce petition on the counter. April bit her lip as her eyes filled with tears, blurring the remainder of what the paperwork said so she couldn't read any further.

She set the wine glass down and rested her forehead against the palm of her hand. Why had he asked her on dates? Why would he come here and sleep with her if he had divorce on his mind? Maybe he realized it would be a mistake…

She glanced at the paperwork again and then noted it...his signature with that day's date.

So he made up his mind and then came and slept with her. April hated him for it. She was disgusted. But more piercing was the hurt she felt.

April was heartbroken, but oddly there was also relief. Relief? April postulated on that for a minute and then it hit her. At least now she knew where Jackson stood. This was what he wanted.

April grabbed her wine glass and let herself cry for a few minutes.

She pushed herself off the stool, leaving the papers on the counter as she headed to the bedroom where Jackson still slept.

April sighed deeply as she watched him and then walked to the closet, grabbing her massive army duffel. She quietly loaded all her clothes into the bag. She didn't have a lot. She did the same with the dresser and the bathroom, making sure she left nothing behind.

April grabbed her army boots and then walked out to the living room and set the bag by the front door as she pulled her boots on and tied them. Her engagement ring caught her eye and she stopped tying her laces, distracted by the beautiful ring.

She finished tying her boots and then looked down at the ring one more time before sliding it off her finger.

April slowly walked towards the counter. She grabbed a pen and after inhaling sharply and holding her breath, she signed the legal document beneath Jackson's signature. She then gently set down her ring next to the pen.

She reached for her purse and her keys, stopping as she looked over her shoulder at the apartment once more. She bit her lip as she looked down at her keys. She removed the key to the apartment and the fob needed to get into the building and the elevator and hooked them onto the hook she had made Jackson get. She didn't need them anymore.

She then turned, grabbed her bag and walked out of the apartment, determined not to cry.

 **So, what are your thoughts? Continue?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone! So good news, I have been brainstorming this weekend and I think I know where I want this story to go and even how I want it to end. Now just to put pen to paper….**

 **Anyway, I want to thank everyone who favorited, followed and reviewed. It is super encouraging and my heart pitter-patters each time I see the notification on my email saying I have a new follower or review. Keep it up!**

 **And now...Jackson wakes up!**

Penetralia

Chapter 2

Jackson

Jackson woke up, disoriented momentarily before he realized he was home, in his bed. The night before rushed back to him and he scrunched his eyes shut, wishing he was on Ben and Bailey's sofa instead of here. He listened for the soft breaths of his wife next to him, but when he slowly rolled over he realized he was alone in bed.

He sat up, reaching for his cell phone on the nightstand and looked at the time. Shit. He was going to be late for work.

"April?" he called tentatively. No answer, just the echo of the silent apartment. She must have woken up and left for work already. He sighed in relief, glad she seemed to be avoiding him this time around for once.

He threw off the sheet and stepped into his discarded boxers.

He stretched, his muscles relaxed from last night with April. He felt extremely relaxed, even though he knew he shouldn't be. A tough decision was going to need to be made today by him, followed by a really hard conversation with April.

" _It's over, isn't it?"_ she had asked. Jackson rubbed his face and walked to the bathroom, turning on the shower to let it warm up and began brushing his teeth. He finished, dropped his boxers and stepped into the steamy shower.

Last night...he had been stupid to sleep with April when they had so much to talk about. It had been amazing. It was always amazing sleeping with April. She may have been a late bloomer when it came to sex, but she was amazing in bed. Epic.

Jackson climbed out of the shower and headed into the bedroom. Before he reached the closet, he remembered he had no clothes here.

He walked out to the living room towards the kitchen barstools and as he reached for his bag he noticed it...the divorce papers….

FUUUUUUUUCCCKKKK!

April had to have seen them.

Jackson reached for them and then noticed her wedding ring on the counter next to the paperwork. He picked up her wedding ring, frowning. He looked down at the paperwork and sighed, closing his eyes as he found her signature beneath his own.

The sight of the signed petition pained him. He knew he had hurt her and with everything that had happened in the past few days…

Jackson threw the papers in disgust with...well, himself and this whole damn mess.

He closed his fist around her ring, wondering what to do as he slammed his fist down on the counter in frustration. He was mad. At April for leaving him. At himself for driving her away...Jackson had never been angrier or more frustrated in his life.

He grabbed his duffel, walking towards the bedroom to get ready for the day.

Jackson walked to April's side of the bed and opened her drawer to put her ring inside, so it wouldn't get lost, but he frowned when he found it empty. That was weird. Usually random jewelry, phone chargers, whatever book she was reading, Kleenex, her birth control and other random items lived in this drawer.

He placed the ring inside still, not knowing where else to put it.

Jackson frowned as he walked around the bed to get ready when he recalled brushing his teeth. The cabinet had been suspiciously bare.

Jackson walked to the closet and gasped as he took in the bare closet.

He walked to her drawers and flung them open only to find them empty as well.

April had left. Jackson heart plummeted to his stomach as he stalked through the house, looking for evidence that his wife still inhabited their home, but found nothing.

As he looked around the living room in shock, noting her missing bible from the bookcase, he saw the hook she had made him install and a key and fob dangling from the hook.

She was really gone.

He had wanted her gone from the apartment, but not like this. The saying 'Be careful what you wish for, that wish just might come true,' was taunting him at this moment.

Jackson hurried to the bedroom, desperate to catch up with April to do damage control.

April

April stalked through the ER, her eyes sweeping through the intake stations to make sure they were being monitored. Her mood was stormy due to lack of sleep. Oh and the fact that her marriage was over before it even really began.

She felt angry, confused, lost….she hadn't felt like this since Samuel and it brought his loss back up and engulfed her in anger and grief.

April felt her eyes tear up, but she bit her lip and walked to the nurses' station determined to get through one day without breaking down.

After she left her and Jackson's apartment...now just Jackson's apartment….she came straight to the hospital and planted herself in an on call room. Hopefully she could get away with staying at the hospital a couple nights while she decided her next steps or found a place to live/stay.

April grabbed an IPad, looking over the patient waiting to be attended to. Stitches, lawn mower. At least there were no fingers or toes that needed to be reattached.

"April."

April's heart dropped while squeezing painfully at his voice.

Jackson walked to her side. He looked miserable, but she felt worse than he looked and she couldn't handle this. Especially if she wanted to keep it together today.

April held up the IPad and said in a weaker voice than she liked, "I can't. I have a patient."

"April, wait," he said, trying to block her path.

April stopped and leveled him with her most serious look, "Seriously, no, Jackson. No."

Jackson swallowed, then stepped back and nodded as she walked around him, heading for the patient.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Kepner," she said, fixing her smile in place with great effort, "Had a run in with a lawn mower?"

The patient nodded and smiled in embarrassment at her. She smiled back encouragingly and said, "Well, I will get you stitched up and out of here in no time."

As April focused on her work, everything else faded away slowly. Her marriage, her homelessness, her dead son...they were all there painful thorns sticking in her heart, but as she healed someone else, the pain became less noticeable.

Jackson

Jackson watched as April forced a smile and focused on the patient with an unnatural focus.

Obviously, she was in no mood to talk.

He couldn't help but see the irony that when he wanted to talk, that was when she didn't want to talk.

Jackson glanced at April once more, her head bent over her patient in concentration before sighing and walking towards the employee lounge so he could change into his scrubs.

As he walked, he became determined to check in with April throughout the day, looking for an opening to talk. He couldn't leave it beyond today. He needed to sort this out. They needed to sort this out.

Jackson walked in, scowling as he saw Dr. Riggs in the lounge, reminded that April leaving started all this.

"Morning," Riggs said, spotting Jackson.

Jackson lifted his chin in response, not really wanting to talk.

Riggs slid his red scrub cap on and walked out of the room, leaving Jackson to change for the day.

April

April sat in the chapel during her lunch break, not because she wanted to pray, but because she didn't want to run into anyone, especially Jackson. He had been in and out of the ER all day, wanting to catch her between patients.

She had successfully avoided him so far.

April rested her elbows on the pew in front of her and cradled her forehead in her hands, breathing deeply.

She tried to settle her thoughts through prayer, but it just wouldn't come.

April sighed and then leaned back, defeated. She decided to just enjoy the quiet the small chapel provided.

April stared at nothing when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She jerked in surprise, expecting Jackson. She sighed in relief, looking forward once more when she saw it was actually Nathan.

"Move over," he said, nudging her shoulder.

April scooted over as Nathan sat. For a few minutes they were just quiet.

"What's going on, Kepner?" he asked finally, realizing she wasn't going to confide in him without encouragement.

April inhaled and exhaled and said, "Oh let's see, where to begin?"

In a shaky voice she said, "My child is dead, my marriage is over, and I am homeless."

Nathan wrapped his arm around her and said, "I know it doesn't it seem like it, but you and Jackson will work it out eventually."

April shook her head and said, "No, he brought divorce papers home last night. I signed them."

Nathan looked at her in shock and said, "I guess that explains the homeless comment?"

April nodded and said, "I moved out last night."

Nathan was quiet, taking it all in and said, "You're not homeless. I just got a great apartment a few blocks from here. It has a second bedroom."

April shook her head, but he nudged her and said, "Come on Kepner, you can't sleep in the on call rooms. Where is everyone going to have sex with you hogging an on call rom to yourself?"

April couldn't help crack a smile, then she elbowed him in the ribs and said, "Watch your tone in here."

Nathan chuckled and said, "You are going to be fine, Kepner. You're a machine."

April smiled ruefully and said, "A busted down machine maybe."

Nathan rubbed her back, not saying anything in response.

"I don't know what's next...I was so sure of Jackson. That there was a life here for me again. Now all that's gone," she said, her voice shaking as a deep overwhelming feeling of loss and loneliness crashed over her.

Nathan, clearly not knowing what to say, just let her cry. She hadn't made it through the day without breaking down, but at least Riggs was here.

"Come on," he said, after a while, standing and staring down at her, "I need you to scrub in on a case and then we are dropping off your stuff at my place where you will stay until you figure out the next move. And then, we are going to get good and wasted."

April gave him a pathetic smile, then nodded and stood, wiping her face and tying her scrub cap on. He clapped her on the shoulder and then nudged her towards the entrance of the chapel.

 **Thanks everyone who reviewed last chapter! I hope you all enjoyed this one and would really appreciate feedback on this one too!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello everyone! I really appreciate the feedback I have been getting this weekend in response to this story. I have had a lot of fun writing this weekend.**

 **I hope you all had a great weekend and enjoyed reading so far. I hope to continue to update frequently.**

 **Thanks so much and enjoy!**

Penetralia

Chapter 3

Jackson

Jackson scanned the ER for April, not spotting her. Where the hell was she? He knew she was avoiding him, but after not seeing her at lunch he was determined to find her.

Jackson walked towards the surgical board, scanning it to see if she was scrubbed in.

He found her name written into a cardio case with Riggs.

Jackson walked towards the OR where April and Riggs were working and walked in the scrub room to watch them through the glass. April and Riggs were both focused and from this room, he couldn't hear what they were talking about or even if they were talking because their scrub masks.

Jackson grabbed a face mask and held it over his mouth.

"Dr. Kepner, can I have a word?"

April didn't even glance up, but Riggs did before glancing to April and then focusing back on the patient.

"Dr. Kepner?" Jackson asked again.

"I am in surgery, Dr. Avery, is there an emergency?" April asked finally, not looking up from her work.

"I am wondering about your scheduling," Jackson asked, his jaw clenched. It didn't have to be like this. She should at least let him explain.

"What is the issue?" April asked, looking up at him, her eyes cold.

Jackson swallowed and April stared at him, shaming him. How was he the asshole all of a sudden? She was the one to abandon their marriage in the first place.

Riggs cleared his throat, which seemed to end the silent communication taking place between Jackson and April.

April focused back on her work and said, "Unless there is a trauma that requires my immediate presence, I don't see what you are doing in this OR."

Jackson, clenched his fist at his side and nodded once before leaving, fuming.

April

"That was awkward," Riggs said, focusing on his work.

"I signed his damn papers," April grumbled, "Can't he just leave me alone?"

"Maybe there's more that he wants to say?" Riggs said softly, tentatively. He knew he was on very dangerous ground.

April looked up from her work and said, "That's funny, because when I had stuff I wanted to say, Jackson didn't seem to make time for me. He avoided and yelled and treated me like crap."

Riggs sighed and said, "You're right, I shouldn't have said that."

April nodded and looked back down into the cavity chest that they were working on. They worked for the remainder of surgery in silence.

As they scrubbed out side by side, Riggs turned to April as he dried his hands off and said, "Look, I don't want to put my nose where it doesn't belong. But just because Jackson hasn't been fair to you the past couple of months, that doesn't mean you should match his behavior. You know how shitty the way he treated you made you feel and now you are doing it to him. When will it end?"

April was silent as she rinsed her hands and reached for a towel to dry her hands. She considered what he said and realized he was right.

She looked up at him and he shrugged and said, "Just think about it."

April sighed and said, "I hate when you're right."

He smirked and patted her shoulder and said, "Let's go get that drink."

She nodded and followed him out of the scrub room.

Jackson

Jackson was walking out of the hospital with his bag on his shoulder. He hadn't attempted to connect with April today after their interaction during her surgery.

"Jackson," April called. He turned and stopped in his tracks.

She turned to Riggs and said something to him. He nodded and headed off towards Joe's.

April strolled up to him, her hands in her pockets, looking weary.

Jackson copied her, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets and sighed as braced himself for whatever was coming.

"I am sorry I snapped at you in surgery and that I have been avoiding you today," April said.

Jackson nodded and was silent, knowing she wanted to say more.

April seemed to be waiting on him and he didn't know what she expected.

"Okay," April said awkwardly, "Was there something in specific that you wanted to talk about?"

Jackson couldn't stop himself from looking at her like she was nuts and said, "Uh, yeah...the divorce papers."

April glared at him and asked, "I thought that was settled. There was a pre-nup so there doesn't need to be any negotiating from that end. Was there something else I needed to sign?"

Jackson looked at her, feeling frustration at her being so flippant. "Can we at least talk about this?"

"You made your decision Jackson, and I decided to respect it and give you want you wanted," April said, and edge to her voice, "What more do you want to say?"

Jackson stopped short, desperate to clearly articulate how he felt. He felt a million things with April all the time...anger frustration, love, tenderness, heartache, despair, grief...the list was endless and he never knew what to say.

"What do you want to say?" April asked again, her voice a little softer as her eyes filled with tears.

"I am sorry you found had to find out that way," Jackson said finally, realizing that wasn't what he wanted to say at all, "I planned to do it at dinner the other night, but…"

April nodded and said, "Its okay. It was hard finding the papers that way, but at least I know."

There was a pregnant silence between them and Jackson didn't know what to say to fill the silence. She looked...sad and tired and he realized that their separation was taking a toll on her too. He wasn't the only one suffering.

"Anything else?" she asked.

"You didn't have to leave the apartment," he said, wondering where she was staying.

"It's not my apartment," April said, the edge creeping back into her tone.

"Come on April," Jackson said, rolling his eyes.

"No, you made that perfectly clear and since we are divorced, why should I be there?" April asked rhetorically, "I will be fine."

Jackson flinched at the words, hoping she wouldn't notice. How could she be fine? He wasn't fine.

"Where are you going to stay?" Jackson asked, raising an eyebrow.

April just looked at him and he knew what she was going to say.

"Why do you care?" April asked, actually curious.

"Because I care, April," Jackson said, "I will always care."

April shook her head, looking down at her feet before she looked back up at him and said, "You don't need to worry about me anymore. I am going to be fine. And to be honest, where I go isn't your business anymore."

Jackson clenched his teeth and said, "Apparently, it was never been my business. You just go and do whatever you want, with no concern about anyone else."

April flinched at his words. Her eyes filled with tears and she bit her lip. Jackson swallowed and once again there was silence between them.

"You got that out," April said in a scratchy voice, her eyes glued to his in a challenge, "I hope it made you feel better."

Jackson felt like if he looked away, he would lose something, so he continued to stare back at her. But he felt like he was still losing.

"Anything else you want to say?" April asked.

Jackson just maintained eyes contact. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but for some reason, he couldn't.

April nodded softly and said, "In that case, file the divorce papers. Let me know if there is anything else I need to do."

April looked at him to see if he was going to respond, but when he didn't she began to walk away, following the path that Riggs had taken not so long ago. Nathan was probably waiting for April at Joe's bar.

"April?" he called once she was ten feet away.

She turned and faced him and he walked towards her, "How is this so easy for you."

April's mouth slightly opened in shock and then said, "You think this has been easy for me? After the civil dinner conversations and incredible sex and then to find out your husband wants a divorce? You think that is easy? After everything I have already been through?"

Jackson winced when she put it that way. It made him sound like a total douche.

"No, this has not been easy for me, especially since I have been fighting so hard for so long to prevent this from happening," she said, gesturing between them.

"Goodbye Jackson," April turning and walking away from him.

April

April took another shot and said, "Can you believe he asked me that?"

Riggs shook his head, downing his shot as well.

"Just forget it," Riggs said, "Let the tequila work it's magic."

April nodded signaling the bartender for another round. He gave the fresh shots and April clinked her against Riggs' and said, "To my marriage."

Riggs rolled his eyes, but downed the shot and said, "Are you going to stay here?"

April had been thinking about that too.

Now that it was over...really over, she wondered if she should move on to a new hospital. Or maybe go back for another tour in the Middle East.

April shrugged and said, "I don't have a plan beyond getting another round."

Nathan chuckled and motioned for the bartender.

They both downed the third round and April felt that one. She knew she needed to slow it down a bit, otherwise Riggs would need to carry her out of here.

"You know, what you and Jackson are going through...it's common in marriages where one spouse serves in the military."

April nodded and said, "I know, I just thought….I guess, I thought we were different. That we...were meant to be and soulmates and all that crap, so it would be an issue, but not one that would end in us being over. You know?"

Riggs nodded and said, "I know."

The bartender served them another round without being asked and April took it, slapping it back down on the bar, "I was wrong though. Wouldn't be the first time."

"Alright, let's get out of here before you can't even walk," Nathan said, throwing some cash down on the bar and standing. He helped April pull her jacket on and the way he was taking care of her...it meant so much. It meant so much for someone to care about her. To take care of her.

Her eyes filled with tears and she said, "Thanks Nathan. For everything."

Nathan smiled and nodded and said, "Come on, let's go home."

He led her out of the bar and they walked the few blocks between Joe's and his apartment.

It was a pre furnished apartment. There was no personality to the decor. The decorators picked neutrals to least offend people.

Nathan pointed to second bedroom and said, "That's your there, Kepner. Sleep it off."

April nodded and walked towards the room. She clumsily tripped over her army duffel and landed face down on the bed. She sighed, kicking off her shoes and grabbing either side of the blanket beneath her and wrapping herself in it like a taco.

She passed out quickly, more than ready to be done with this hellish day.

 **So...what do you all think? Did I write their interaction well? I know I breached from the show and how they handled this interaction, but I wanted to try a conversation where April was the strong one, calling all the shots and in control.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I wasn't planning on updating until the weekend, but I woke up early, determined to finish off this chapter.**

 **Anyway, thanks so much to everyone who has responded to this story via review, message, and following. It means a lot to a fanfiction writer, trust me.**

 **Enjoy!**

Penetralia

Chapter 4

April

April woke to a throbbing headache and the urge to vacate the contents of her stomach. She groaned and rolled onto her back, her brow furrowed as she tried to remember where the hell she was.

As last night came back to her she groaned and debated face planting on the bed once more and sleeping until the end of the world. Just as she decided to do just that, a soft knock sounded on her door.

She glanced up to find an annoyingly fresh looking Nathan standing in the doorway, showered dressed.

"Come on Kepner," he said walking forward into the room, "I let you sleep as long as I could."

"I am not going in today," April grumbled, throwing her arm over her eyes.

"Oh yes, you are," he said. All of a sudden he grabbed her ankle and pulled her down the bed as she tried to kick his hands off her leg.

"No!" she squealed, the room lurching suddenly as the force of her hangover hit her. She sat up and sprinted to the bathroom….but she didn't know where the hell it was. She had never been in this apartment before.

April turned with wide eyes to Nathan, her hand covering her mouth and he seemed to realize what was happening as he pointed out of her bedroom.

She sprinted and found first Nathan's room and then the small bathroom. Thank God Nathan hadn't closed the lid, otherwise she would have heaved all over the bathroom.

After fifteen minutes of emptying her stomach she flushed the toilet and leaned against the bathtub, letting the cool marble soothe her muscles.

She wiped at her forehead, which had broken out in a cold sweat as she had thrown up.

"Feel better," Riggs asked, coming into the bathroom with a cold face towel, offering it to her.

She nodded and said, "Never again."

"Never say never," he said.

April nodded and cradled her pounding head in her hands. The smell of her breath made her grimace and she reached her hand up to Nathan, who grabbed it and pulled her to her feet.

April steadied herself and walked to her bedroom where her army bag still sat with all her belongings.

She grabbed her toiletries bag and then walked back to the bathroom. She shut the door, leaning against it briefly before giving herself a small pep talk before turning the shower on.

Jackson

Jackson rubbed his face in exhaustion. He hadn't slept at all.

He had lied awake, thinking about his interaction with April. When he had first had the divorce papers drawn up, he thought it would be a relief for it all to be over. He thought that once April had accepted that their marriage couldn't work and had come to his way of thinking, that it would just be...better.

But he didn't. He felt...he couldn't explain it. Unsettled...like he needed to breathe deeply into a brown paper bag.

Jackson squinted at the computer he had been staring at all morning. He had tried to read over financial projections, but he had probably read the first paragraph explaining the numbers and graphs 20 times.

He leaned back in his computer chair and stared at nothing as he succumbed to his thoughts. He tried to identify why he felt the way he did.

He felt like he did after April had come to him the night of the big storm and he had sent her away. And he hated the feeling. Like he had done something, or rather, not done something and the reason he did it was because he knew it was right. But it didn't _feel_ right. Everything felt off when he had sent her away that night and it didn't' feel right until he had stood up at her wedding to Matthew.

Right now he didn't feel right and on top of that he feared that he had made the same mistake. That he and April were letting history repeat itself, except now it was a on a bigger scale since they were married.

Not so long ago, before April had come home, he had been so sure about the divorce. Now...now it just didn't feel right.

Jackson sighed and leaned forward to give the report on the screen once more. After the first three words, he gave up and logged out of the computer.

Jackson stood, needing to walk and think. He walked until he found himself in the ER. He looked around, and then at the clock. It was 7:17 AM. It was way too early for April to be in. He had come here around 6:00 AM because he couldn't sleep and decided he might as well get some work done.

As he glanced around the ER for his missing wife, he realized that last night when April had confronted him, he had been unprepared. He was angry because even though April had given him the opportunity to say what he wanted to say, he hadn't said anything except crap he had already said.

And he wanted to tell her everything. How he felt. How nothing felt right since Samuel had been diagnosed. And then when he died. Or when April shut him out. And then when she left. And then come back. And then left again. And came back...again. This time for real.

He wanted to talk to her. His wife. For the first time since she had been back, he wanted to talk.

She had done all the talking so far, and now...he wanted a chance. Her giving the opportunity last night is finally what pushed him to get here. He realized she always did the talking because he wasn't good at communicating what the hell he thought or wanted. Instead, he just reacted. He got angry. Frustrated.

For the first time, he realized that while April was far from perfect...neither was he. He had fucked up along the way as well. He could have handled all this better.

Jackson sighed and squinted back at the clock. He needed time to think about everything he wanted to say so it came out right. He headed to an on call room that was typically deserted and laid back, letting his body relax as he thought over the past year.

Ever since him and April ran away from her wedding together. But then he realized that he needed to go further back. Because him and April had been doing this dance for...well...since they became friends.

In Jackson's mind, he played the movie of Jackson and April. All the great and terrible moments they had shared. All that that they had struggled with together and overcome. All their accomplishments. And disappointments. All pain and grief.

It was both wonderful and painful to rethink all the things he usually shut out. As he came to last night, April and him talking about ending their marriage and possibly their relationship, he knew everything he needed to say to her.

Jackson rolled on his side, letting his exhaustion lull him to sleep.

April

April frowned as she organized the trauma nurses' station. Pigsty. And the lights...why did they have to be so damn bright? No wonder people hated hospitals.

April was in a terrible mood and her body hurt. .Even her hair hurt. She looked every bit of the mess she had this morning, except now she had wet hair and she turned green at the sight of food. At least she didn't smell like vomit and sweaty bar smell.

She had pushed away Nathan's suggestion to eat breakfast, knowing her stomach could not handle it.

April had come into the ER and hooked herself up to a banana bag, letting the fluids hydrate her body. Her stomach still felt like crap, but her headache was slowly ebbing away.

On top of the crappy way she was feeling physically, the pit was slow as hell. Not a broken bone or stitches in sight.

The phone remained resolutely silent, which was both a blessing and a curse.

She debated going to an on call room to sleep off the rest of her hangover, when Riggs rolled in the ER and said, "I brought you the hangover cure."

"Another banana bag?" April grumbled, organizing the electronic pads they used to register people.

"Nope," he said, smirking at her as he looked at the banana bag she was hooked up to. He plopped a bag from McDonald's on the desk in front of her and just the thought made her stomach churn.

"Trust me, the french fries will heal all wounds," he said, opening the bag and pulling out a massive carton of french fries. April shivered. Don't get her wrong...she loved the occasional Micky D's, but today was not that day. If she did eat, it would have been dry toast.

"Riggs, get that away before I hoover all over you and this desk I just cleaned," she said, covering her nose.

"Seriously," Riggs said smirking, "Try just one handful and you will feel loads better. I promise."

April sighed and took some of the still warm fries between her fingers and at them. She chewed quickly and swallowed, expecting it to come right back up. But it didn't….in fact...her stomach seemed to accept the food.

April tried another few fries experimentally and once those stayed down she realized her stomach was actually not churning for once.

April snatched the carton out of Riggs' hands and scowled at his knowing look that screamed 'I told you so'.

"Aren't' you glad I didn't bring you another banana bag?" Nathan asked, smirking and leaning on the counter in front of her with a shit-eating grin.

"Shut up," April said around a mouthful of fries, grinning at him.

Her grin fell off her face though when she spotted Jackson walking towards her with a strange look in his eyes. He glanced to Nathan, who hadn't spotted her soon-to-be ex-husband walking towards them.

Once Jackson stopped by Riggs' side, Nathan glanced between Jackson and April, who gave Nathan a nod to let him know to leave.

"Can we talk?" Jackson asked April, the look on his face unnerving her. April inhaled and wondered what else could he possibly have to say?

"Please?" he asked quietly, looking in her eyes, pleading.

It was the 'please' she couldn't say no to. Jackson rarely ever asked her for anything. April nodded, picking up her fries and following him, her stomach churning but for a whole other reason.

 **So what do you think? Let me know via review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everyone! Sorry to make you wait. I wanted to see how the show played out and now that it has, I am disappointed but I can't say I am surprised.**

 **I just wish there was more Jackson and April on the show instead of these weird blurbs that give us no insight or follow up with what has happened between these two. Come on Shonda!**

Penetralia

Chapter 5

Jackson

"So, what brings you both here today?"

That was his first question as he sat down in his leather chair, resting his pad of legal paper on his crossed legs and his elbows comfortably on the arms of the chair.

Jackson glanced at April to find her glancing at him uncertainly too. They were sitting on opposite ends of a couch in front of the couples' therapist that came highly recommended.

April and Jackson both looked away from one another and down into their laps.

The man in front of them, Dr. Canlin, smiled kindly and picked up his pen and said, "Well I can add "communication issues" as the first thing on the list to address."

Communication...that was why they had decided to come.

After Jackson and April took their conversation to an on call room, Jackson once more didn't know how to fully articulate what he wanted to say to April to make her understand how incredibly messed up this whole thing was.

April was frustrated too. She didn't know what Jackson wanted from her.

" _What do you want from me?" she asked, "Is it sex? Is it a divorce? Another shot at marriage? How can I give you what you want, if you don't tell me?"_

 _Jackson shook his head and said, "I don't know what I want. Just...I know I am not getting it."_

 _April was silent as she studied him and said, "I want you, but I...Jackson, it hurts not to know what I need to do or what my next move should be."_

 _Jackson sighed and rubbed his face and said, "April, you tell me that you want me, but I don't believe it. You leave me...all the time. Then come back. Then leave."_

 _April's bottom lip trembled and Jackson saw her eyes fill with tears as his words pierced her._

" _I don't know how to talk to you about what I want," Jackson finished lamely._

 _April looked down at her shoes for what felt like forever to Jackson and then said, "Maybe we should go talk to someone to help us. We aren't getting anywhere doing what we have been doing."_

And that's why they were here.

Jackson swallowed the lump in his throat as he looked nervously around the room.

"Okay," the therapist said, taking initiative, "How about this? April why don't you tell me why you are here as if you were answering for Jackson."

April looked between Jackson and April and she fidgeted nervously, licking her lips before nodding and saying, "O-okay. Well, I don't know what I want from April and I don't know how to tell her what I want or how I feel."

Jackson internally flinched, watching as April struggled to personify Jackson.

The therapist nodded and said, "Good. Why don't you know how to tell April how you feel or what you want? Surely this hasn't always been the case."

April was silent for a moment, her face slightly blanching. She looked down at her lap, lacing her fingers together nervously as she tried to get the words out.

"Because I don't trust her anymore," she finally said in a shaky, soft voice.

Jackson glanced towards the therapist and found him nodding and looking at her empathetically.

"And why don't you trust April anymore Jackson?" he asked April in a gentle tone.

"Because she left me," April answered, "She went to Jordan, twice. Right after our son died."

A grief-fueled silence descended over the room like a veil and the therapist jotted something down on his notepad.

Jackson felt tears sting his eyes as April wrapped up simply he felt in the most complicated way.

"Okay," the therapist said nodding, "Thank you Jackson," he said smiling at April, "We are now going to move on to April."

"April," the therapist said, turning to Jackson and gesturing for him to answer his questions, "Why do you think you and Jackson are here today."

Jackson sighed looking to the ceiling for an answer. He should have been thinking of his answers while April spoke. Why was April here? What brought her here, to this office today?

The answer was actually really simple, but it was hard to say.

"Because I love Jackson, and I wanted to make our marriage work," Jackson began, "But I don't know what he wants."

The therapist nodded and said, "And do you think Jackson loves you?"

 _Yes_...Jackson knew he loved April still. If he didn't, he wouldn't be here. If he didn't, he wouldn't hurt this much. Or be so damn angry...frustrated...sad. But did April know that? He was answering for April, and he honestly didn't know if April knew he loved her.

"I don't know," Jackson answered, as honestly as he thought April would answer.

"Okay," the therapist said, jotting something down as Jackson cleared his throat. He glanced out of the corner of his eyes to see April crying as she looked down into her lap. The sight broke his heart.

"April," the therapist said, looking back to Jackson, "Do you trust Jackson?"

….?...

Jackson had never thought about this. He didn't think he had given April any reason _not_ to trust him, but he honestly didn't know for sure one way or the other.

"April?" the therapist prompted him.

"I don't know," Jackson answered, "I think so."

Jackson glanced towards April and the frown on her face confused him. Was he wrong?

The therapist nodded and scribbled on his pad once more and then looked up and said, "Thank you."

"Okay, I feel like we have made a good start. There is a lot to this relationship and I would be happy to explore the path that has led you to this office today."

"I will tell you that your struggles, quite frankly, are unsurprising," the therapist said bluntly.

"The loss of a child is traumatic and I am sure you have heard the statistic that 75% of couples who lose a child eventually separate, oftentimes within months after the death of the child. So those odds are against you."

Jackson had heard that, but it was never a statistic he liked hearing. He always thought he and April would be better than that and was ashamed that they weren't.

"That alone would be enough to find you on my couch, but coupled with the lack of mutual trust and you both running from each other, your situation is dire," the therapist said.

What? Running from each other? Jackson had never left April.

"But the only way this will work, if you both decide that this is something that you want. Do you want to fix this? Do you want to work, and it will be work, to hopefully get to a point where you are both at peace with your relationship?"" he said, leaning forward and glancing between Jackson and April.

"I can't promise you this work will lead to you ending up together, but I can promise you that you will both find out if this is truly the end of your relationship, or a new beginning for your relationship," he finished.

As he finished, Jackson could feel April's eyes on him and he looked to her. She looked nervous and unsure and it was because she didn't know what he wanted.

Jackson looked back to the therapist and nodded, "I'm in."

The therapist looked to April, who looked back at him and nodded once, wringing her hands nervously.

April

April stood in the reception area of the therapist's office, waiting to make their next appointment with Jackson.

They were silent, but April could tell Jackson's thoughts were buzzing in his head as fast as hers was.

Their therapist said it was good they were not living together and suggested that they remain separated and try not to communicate too much outside of their therapy appointments. That wouldn't be hard. Between the two of them, they already spent a lot of time avoiding one another.

After the tense silence that felt like forever, the receptionist finally turned to them and asked, "Need to schedule a follow up?"

Jackson nodded and so did April.

"Next week, same time, same day work for you both?" she asked, peering into her computer as if she was trying to solve a puzzle instead of looking at the calendar.

Jackson shrugged and April said, "Sure, that would be great."

"We will send out a notice the day before," she said, typing their names furiously into the computer.

April nodded and they both turned to walk out of the office together.

Jackson held the door open for April and April smiled at him and walked ahead of him.

"Do you need a ride?" Jackson asked.

April shook her head and said, "I am not staying far from here. I was planning on walking."

Jackson nodded and asked, "Where are you staying? A hotel?"

April shook her head and said, "I am staying in Nathan's spare room a few blocks from here."

April swore she saw an indeterminable look flash across his face, but it was gone before she could be sure.

He simply nodded and April waited to see if he was going to form a verbal response.

When he didn't April still waited and Jackson seemed to feel uncomfortable, "Are you sure you don't want a ride?"

April shook her head and said, "No, I am good. Really."

Jackson nodded and said, "Well, I will see you tomorrow at work."

April nodded and watched Jackson turn and walk towards his car. She turned and walked away as he climbed in the car.

She ducked around the side of the building and buried her hands in her jacket pockets and strode quickly down the street, her face angled against the wind.

Just from that one session with Jackson, she had learned things. She already knew how much she had hurt Jackson, but the therapist's leading questions revealed a depth to the issue for her.

In her mind, they were married. So even though they were fighting, April assumed that Jackson would forgive her because...well, because they were married.

But the one thing that Jackson and April had always had...trust...that was gone.

What was most surprising was how Jackson had responded as her. She realized that she did love Jackson, but...she didn't know if she trusted him anymore. When Jackson struggled to answer that question, she realized she struggled with him to answer the same question.

Before Samuel died, before they even found out they were pregnant, before they even got married...she trusted him. He was her dearest friend, so now she wondered how and when that unfailing trust she used to have in him changed.

Since Samuel, she felt lost even in places that were familiar and when she was with people she loved. Her world always spun and rarely did her world slow down and she could take control. In Jordan, she had felt the most peace...because she had to keep control or she could die. Maybe this was a result of Samuel, but maybe it was also because of the degradation of her and Jackson's relationship.

It would be interesting to see how the sessions with the therapists would go. She honestly was shocked Jackson was willing to participate in the counseling. Since he had drawn up papers for divorce, she expected him to ask what the point would be.

As she walked to Nathan's apartment, she felt something deep in her chest begin to unfurl. She wondered what it was, but it was something good. Something exciting. Something scary…

It was then that she realized it was hope.

 **Let me know your thoughts!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi everyone! I have been wrapped up in work and watching in horror as I see where Shonda is taking us...like always, I can't believe where April and Jackson are at. I will try to keep faith in Shonda though...she usually leads these two back together, but honestly, how much can they take?**

Penetralia

Chapter 6

April

April hissed as her curling iron brushed against the tips of her fingers, lightly burning them. April was running late and as a result, the nerve endings in her fingers suffered.

Today was not going to be a good day. Jackson and April had another appointment today and the therapist had delved through their relationship until they met at Mercy West. They only occasionally butted heads in session when they disagreed on various interpretations of events. The biggest one when April had been relieved about not being pregnant and Jackson ending things between them. That had been an ugly session.

April sighed as she finished curling her hair, scrunching the ends and running her fingers through the fresh curls before setting them with a spray.

She unplugged her hair curler and walked out into the living room where Nathan lounged on the couch, watching the cooking channel as he ate an omelet.

"Don't touch the curling iron," April warned Nathan, "It's still hot." She walked to the kitchen to get herself a cup of coffee. Lord knew she would need it to keep her going today.

"You look nice," Nathan said, "Heading to counseling?"

April grumbled her reply and he chuckled and asked, "Not going well, eh?"

April poured herself a to-go mug of coffee and said, "I just know today is not going to go well. We have reached the point where we go beyond our relationship and talk about our past relationships and childhoods."

Nathan was silently regarding the TV once more, and April wondered if he zoned her out and refocused on The Barefoot Contessa. April couldn't say she blamed him. She used him as a sounding board for her and Jackson's relationship issues for almost a month now.

April grabbed her purse and keys, unplugging her cell phone from the charger.

"Good luck, Kepner," Nathan called as she headed to the door.

April thanked him and walked out the door. She was walking to the counseling appointment today. Nathan had offered her his jeep, but April preferred to walk. It gave her time to prepare for her and Jackson's session and the walk home gave her the opportunity to reflect on what had occurred during session.

So far she didn't see any progress in the counseling aside from dredging it all up so could get a scope of all the ups and downs that made up her and Jackson's history.

Today, April knew that they were going to g cover their childhoods and families. April didn't have the ideal childhood, but it was pretty close. She loved her family, even her sisters and growing up on the farm was idyllic. Jackson was a different story. His childhood was closer to Meredith's upbringing. Overbearing and career-driven mother, albeit loving, absent father.

Every time April tried to talk about his dad, Jackson shut her down firmly. He never wanted to talk about it. He pretended it wasn't an issue, but how could it not be? April wondered how the counselor was going to get Jackson to talk about it or if he even could. Would Jackson shut him down like he had with April and everyone else.

April walked into the building, inhaling deeply to calm her nerves before smiling at Dr. Canlin's secretary and taking a seat.

April picked up a magazine to flip through when Jackson walked in and sat on the opposite couch facing her.

April looked at Jackson, trying to gauge his mood. It was so hard sometimes to read him.

Jackson glanced back at her and then down at his phone.

They had been pretty good at not interacting with one another outside of counseling. Well, except the occasional on-call room romp. Jackson and April agreed on one thing...they needed each other to satisfy their most basic, human need. They knew it was wrong, especially since Dr. Canlin specifically said they shouldn't be having sex.

But it was the only time either of them were ever...happy. Well...not not happy. More like it was the only time either of them weren't miserable. And April often rationalized it by thinking, _"He is my husband...if I want to have sex with him. Well, I am going to."_

Jackson sighed and said, "Did Margaret say how long?"

April shook her head and looked at her watch and replied, "We're both early though."

At that Dr. Canlin opened the door and smiled kindly at them. April stood and smoothed out her shirt with shaking fingers and walked slowly toward him. Jackson was still seated on the chair as if he knew what was coming and fought it at all costs. April felt a pang in her heart as she watched him get to his feet slowly and make his way towards them. She really didn't like that he was dreading this and wanted to squeeze his hand in support, but the gesture felt even more intimate than sex, so she didn't.

April followed Dr. Canlin in the room and settled on her end of the couch, waiting for Jackson to join her. Jackson sat next to her with a sigh and April shot him what she hoped was a reassuring look, but if it helped Jackson, it didn't show.

"So," Dr. Canlin said, setting the pad of paper on his lap and looking at both of them expectantly, "Why don't we start with a check in on how this week has gone?"

"Fine," they both replied at the same time.

"Any healthy communication outside of your time here?"

Jackson and April glanced at each other and remained silent.

"So, I am sensing that there is something I should know," Dr. Canlin said, "A significant interaction? A fight?"

April chewed on her bottom lip, wondering if she should share that they had been having sex.

"We've been having sex," Jackson said, shocking April.

"I see," Dr. Canlin said, jotting something down, "Not a fight then, I guess."

April and Jackson glanced at each other, as if they were sitting in the principal's office

"So do you feel like sleeping together helped your relationship or hurt it?" Dr Canlin asked.

April cleared her throat instead, "I think we are married and we did what normal married couples do."

"Yes, but currently you are a married couple struggling. A married couple considering divorce, or at least one of you is," Dr. Canlin said gently.

"We are dealing with communication issues," Dr. Canlin said, "And I think that after talking about your relationship for the past few weeks, we can establish and agree that you do not suffer from communicating physically with one another."

April blushed and Jackson cleared his throat, looking bashful as well if that were even possible.

"What we need to focus on is talking, verbally, with one another," Dr. Canlin said.

Jackson

"So Jackson," Dr. Canlin said, after thoroughly shaming Jackson and April for having sex, "Let's start with you."

Jackson felt irritation and dread sweep through him. He never like talking about relationships, even his own. And he really didn't like talking about his parents' marriage or how that may have affected him. Because he didn't think it did affect him.

"Jackson?" Dr. Canlin prodded.

April looked at him with a mixture of uncertainty and sympathy. She knew how much he hated this topic.

"My parents are divorced," he said, hoping that would be enough.

"Okay," Dr. Canlin said, looking at him as if he expected him to continue.

"Was their divorce difficult for you?" Dr. Canlin asked.

April looked at him now with curiosity. He had never really explained his dad openly with anyone, even with April.

"I was young," Jackson hedged, not answering his question, "He was under a lot of pressure and left my mom. And then eventually they decided to divorce."

"And your relationship with him now?" Dr. Canlin asked as April looked at him.

"We don't have a relationship. I haven't seen him since I was 15 years old."

Dr. Canlin nodded and jotted something down and Jackson felt panic bubble up in him so potently that he stood and said, "I am sorry, but I have to go."

Dr. Canlin, who had stopped writing what Jackson was sure to be a load of hokey psycho-babble bull, and April both looked up at him in shock. April's shock was mixed with alarm and concern while Dr. Canlin was just plain old confused.

"Okay, well-" Dr. Canlin began, but Jackson didn't give him a chance to finish and walked out of the office, fleeing to his car.

He sat in his car, breathing deeply. He couldn't do this anymore. He just couldn't. Therapy was not working. Nothing between him and April had changed and he didn't understand the point of it.

If anything, April and Jackson were fighting more. Having the same fight, just more frequently.

Jackson looked at the office and knew he would need to call his lawyer and have him draw up new divorce papers. April would be hurt and pissed, but at least she couldn't say he didn't try.

 **So I am going to do what I love to do in my fanfictions and semi-follow the show's plotline, adding a few twists of my own. Stay tuned and thanks for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I think I kind of hate Shonda right now...which is weird. I know she works in mysterious ways, but I hate how she is handling this April/Jackson plotline. I loathe it, in fact. And this week with Catherine...ooh it got my blood boiling. Catherine and April used to be close...what the hell happened? I might have handled the whole baby/divorce thing differently, but I get why April did what she did. She didn't want to stay with someone who didn't love her and she didn't want Jackson making a decision based on the fact that she was knocked up (because that didn't work so well for these two in the past).**

 **They are just a mess that I can't see getting better at this point now that they're divorced and both so angry. And Shonda, to top it off, has April isolated completely from everyone now. Including Arizona which was her only real friend. This leaves me to wonder...why does Shonda hate April so much? I feel like I am the only person on my girl April's side these days. Anyone else out there agree with me?**

 **I am fresh off the last episode so maybe this is temporary, or maybe it's just been there building up and this is it spilling over...who knows?**

 **Anyway, enjoy this chapter and thanks for listening to the rant.**

Penetralia

Chapter 7

April

April looked over the ER board, making sure her system was efficiently running the trauma unit. She was also making a list of ER supplies she needed to be restocked at all the stations and rooms.

April jotted notes when someone tapped her on the shoulder.

She turned and smiled at the guy looking at her. She glanced him over to see if there was a medical issue with him, but found nothing externally apparent.

"Yes?" She asked.

"Are you Dr. Kepner?"

April nodded and confirmed, "That's me."

He held out an envelope and said, "Sorry, you've been served."

April's head rung in shock and her mouth gaped at the guy who looked at her apologetically before stalking out of the trauma unit.

April glanced down at the envelope in her hand in surprise and then up to see if this was maybe a nightmare. She caught the eye of Owen and he began walking towards her with a sympathetic look on his face.

He began to place his hand on her shoulder in comfort but she moved away and barked out in a hoarse, "I am fine. Thank you."

"Why don't you take the rest of the day?" Owen suggested.

April considered declining, but she decided to take him up on the offer as she looked around the ER to find every person looking at her in the department. All of them with pitying looks.

April sighed and murmured a quick thank you to Owen under her breath as she felt the first tears sting her eyes.

She headed to the attendings' lounge, and if it wasn't bad enough, she saw Jackson leaning on the nurses' station laughing with Jo Wilson and Callie.

April seethed as she saw him laugh. How could he laugh? How could he have had the papers delivered at work? Couldn't he have warned her she would be receiving them and arranged for them to be delivered...anywhere else?

April debated walking up to him and letting him know what the she thought of his cowardly actions, but realized she would probably regret anything she said now as all these emotions ran through her.

She quickly ducked into the lounge and ripped off her scrub top, balling it up angrily and hurling it at the hamper.

She inhaled deeply and held her breath, trying to regulate her breathing as she felt the power of her emotions rise again. This shouldn't shock her. She had seen divorce papers from Jackson before, but for some reason, this felt different.

April let out her breath when she felt like she was going to pass out and sank into one of the chairs near her locker. April chewed her lip as she looked down at her lap and tried to stop her tears.

"Get a shirt on Kepner."

April jerked her head up as Alex walked across the lounge for the fridge to grab something for lunch.

She wiped her eyes and stood, grabbing for her shirt in her locker. She turned her back so Alex wouldn't see her crying and slipped her shirt over her head.

April reached into her locker and unfolded her jeans and slipped them on, one foot at a time, willing her tears to go away or at least go unnoticed by Alex.

"What's your problem?" Alex asked, munching on something across the room.

"Nothing," she said grabbing her jacket and slipping it on with her back to him. She grabbed her purse, making sure to keep her face turned away from him, and headed for the door.

As she reached the door, a hand appeared over her head and stopped the door from opening, "He's right out there, but he was heading off to surgery."

April looked up at him in shock as she realized he was talking about Jackson.

"Might be best to give it a minute," he said softly.

April nodded and said, "Thanks."

Alex shrugged and said, "I was in the ER when you got them."

April's face flushed in mortification and she looked down at her lap, avoiding whatever pitying look Alex was throwing her way.

"It gets better," Alex said, "I know you think he is the one and only. It was the same with me and Izzy, but we both moved on and it got better."

April's eyes welled with tears and spilled over and fell down into her lap. Despite Alex's words, she knew it would never get better.

"Yes, it will," Alex said in response to her silence, as if he heard her thoughts, "You will learn how to be alone and then fall for someone else all over again. The second time will be better because you already made all the mistakes and you know how to put yourself back together again."

April wiped her eyes and sniffled as she finally looked up at Alex, who was looking at her with an empathetic look, not a pitying one. "So, go figure out how to put yourself together again." 

"He's probably scrubbed in now," Alex said after a few calming moments of silence, stepping away from the door and holding it open for her.

April nodded and stood. As she walked past Alex, she grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. "Thanks," she said in a shaky, gravelly voice.

Alex nodded and then jerked his chin towards the doorway, telling her to leave.

April released his hand and walked out of the lounge, peeking around for Jackson. When she didn't spot him, she wasted no time in making a hasty retreat from the hospital. Soon everyone would know about her getting served in the ER and she didn't want to be around for that.

April walked slowly, aimlessly as she let her thoughts whirl around her head. _"Go figure out how to put yourself together again,"_ Alex had said.

How was April going to put herself back together after this? She had lost her son and now her husband.

She couldn't go home...she had no home. Just a guest bedroom in Nathan's apartment. She couldn't go to Ohio. April could not bear to face her family and tell them her marriage was over. They would be so disappointed.

April sighed as she thought about what she was going to do. She sat down at a bench and thought what she needed to do what Alex told her.

April looked around, taking in the sounds of Seattle bustling by her in a flurry of activity. A jogging girl in her 20s rand by her, a man on the cell phone in a suit, a woman running to catch her bus. She took it all in, wishing she knew what was next for her. A sign.

It was then that April saw him. He was the military doctor that had been interested in Meredith. He was in his civilian clothes, but on his keychain was the same keychain April had on her keys. A lanyard given to her during her orientation to the army.

He didn't seem to recognize her, but that didn't matter. He had given her the sign she was looking for.

April stood and began walking to the US Recruitment office. The last time she had done this, she still had Jackson pulling her to stay, but now she didn't have anything holding her back.

April had found herself and fixed herself by being of service to others and she would do it again.

Jackson

Jackson scrubbed out of his surgery and checked his phone as he walked out of the scrub room.

He had a voicemail, so he called it and listened to his family lawyer, explaining that April had been served the divorce papers.

Jackson inhaled and put the phone in his pocket, wondering if he should seek her out or see if she sought him out.

He hadn't really spoken to April since their last therapy appointment. He never went to the one this week, and now she received the divorce papers, so it was really over.

Jackson couldn't help being worried about her though.

Jackson walked to the ER and glanced around for April's red hair. Not seeing it, he spotted Owen, who looked up from what he was doing and scowled at him.

Jackson frowned and Owen walked over and said, "She is not here. I let her have the rest of the day."

Jackson squinted at Owen in confusion and Owen said, "She got the papers. Here."

Jackson pinched his nose and it all became clear as he looked around the ER to find most of the staff glaring at him.

"I didn't mean for that to happen," Jackson murmured to Owen.

"For what to happen?" Nathan Riggs said, joining the conversation.

"April was served divorce papers here," Owen said, annoyed that Riggs was in on the conversation.

Riggs glanced at Jackson, and said, "Really? Well done."

"It's none of your business," Jackson bit out.

"She is living with me and is my friend," Nathan said, "Trust me, it's my business. Where is she?" He asked, turning to Owen.

"She left for the day," Owen said, his pager shrilling.

"I am heading out too," Riggs said to Jackson, "Push my surgeries, will you?"

Jackson sighed in frustration as he watched both men leave him standing there like a world class jerk. He glanced around the ER and then left, opening his cell phone to see if he had received any calls or texts. It was strange not to have heard from her he thought. He expected her to come screaming when she heard about the papers. He didn't know what to make of her behavior.

Jackson opened up a text to April, staring at the little keyboard what on earth he could say in this situation.

He stopped and closed his eyes and then looked back at the screen as he typed the only words that described what he wanted to say: _"I'm sorry."_

April

April walked out of the Recruitment office, feeling a little nervous, a little sad, and a little excited. She had scheduled her physical for active duty and then was given estimated deployment date. But she knew this was good. She walked towards Nathan's apartment and decided to make him dinner to thank him for letting her crash and then tell him about her plans.

She almost reached to Nathan's when she spotted Dr. Canlin walking out of his office towards his car. A beemer. Sheesh.

April walked towards him and said, "Hey Dr. Canlin."

"April," he said, surprised, "Is everything okay? Did Jackson have an emergency surgery during our last appointment?"

April shook her head and said, "No, uh, no. He served me divorce papers today."

Dr. Canlin frowned and said, "I am sorry to hear that."

April and Dr. Canlin stood there silently, the wind picking up and whipping through their jackets.

"I just signed up for another tour," she said, smiling softly, "So I will be okay."

Dr. Canlin smiled and said, "I hope you find what you're looking for."

Dr. Canlin climbed into his car and drove off, leaving April in the abandoned lot, thinking about his words.

April stopped at a small market, picking some things up for dinner and looked at her watch. She had plenty of time before Nathan came back to his apartment.

April clicked through the lobby, checking her phone which she had turned off in the recruitment office and saw a message from Jackson… _I'm sorry_ ….

The two little words both engulfed her in pain and anger. He was sorry? Sorry for what? Serving her divorce papers? Or serving them to her while she was in the ER? Or sorry for not really trying to make it work? Trying to understand why she had left for Jordan? Why she had needed to go to Jordan in the first place?

April put her phone back in the pocket, counting to ten so she wouldn't respond to him in anger.

For the next two hours, April focused on cooking a delicious meal. She realized that Nathan might go out after work, but she didn't care. She would leave his in the oven to stay warm. She sat down with her food, poured herself a glass of wine and relaxed on the couch thinking about the day.

As she at the first few bites, she saw her future and it was jarring to think of it now without Jackson. It wasn't a bad image, just a foreign one. She couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if Jackson would have been by her side. She could see them having kids, buying a house...the typical.

Maybe she wasn't meant to have the typical life she imagined she would have as a girl.

April felt herself start to tear up...she felt like she was mourning not only her son, her husband, but their life together. She had wanted that life badly and she would never get it. Not now. And it was just hitting her.

" _It will get better... Yes, it will, trust me_ ," Alex had said. Why she would listen to Alex of all people she had no idea, but at least he had been in her shoes. Married someone he thought was the love of his life and then it all ended so quickly and painfully.

She would listen to his advice and put herself back together again, but she also needed to mourn that life she had wanted with Jackson and with Samuel.

So April let herself cry into her glass of wine and her dinner as she mourned anniversaries, birthdays, babies, first days of school, graduations, family reunions, weddings, and more anniversaries…

 **So I am going in a different direction...not sure where, but a different direction. Writing as I go and getting inspired by each new maddening episode.**

 **Hope you all enjoyed! Please leave me a review if you did (or didn't). Thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi all! I have a weekend off and I have the inspiration to write! Enjoy!**

Penetralia

Chapter 8

Jackson

Jackson nervously tapped his phone, lighting it up to reveal a new text message.

 _"_ _Sure, sounds great! See you at 8 on Friday. Can't wait!"_

Jackson locked his phone and sighed, his mind going to his date tonight, to April, to the guilt he felt, to anger for feeling the guilt, and frustration for that he felt this every time he thought about all this since accepting this date.

The truth was, he still felt like by accepting the date he was cheating on April even though they were separated. No matter how many times he rationalized this craziness, he couldn't stop his mind from taking him on the cycle of intrigue, guilt, anger, and frustration. Was he well adjusted or what?

Technically, he and April would be divorced by the time the date came around. He wondered if all this meant he was ready. He had tried to maintain his distance from April since he had served her and she seemed to be doing the same thing. She mainly stayed in the ER, then disappeared during lunch, and he never ran into her after work.

Jackson was genuinely baffled that she hadn't confronted him about the papers. And he was confounded by her behavior. Usually, when April felt any negative emotion she overcompensated by being extra perky or bubbly. But April wasn't doing that.

She wasn't bubbly, angry, perky, sad, happy...she wasn't anything. And it was weird. He wanted to ask around, but there was nobody he could ask. Arizona wouldn't talk to him about April. Hunt wouldn't either and Nathan and Jackson hadn't really interacted since Nathan came and it would be weird if Jackson approached him now.

Unless there was a work emergency scenario, they wouldn't interact until they sat down with the lawyers and signed the divorce papers. Everytime he thought about the divorce, his mind did a short slideshow of his and April's marriage.

Running away from her wedding to Matthew, driving to Lake Tahoe, the night before their wedding, their wedding, their wedding night...even days where Jackson did April's laundry because he knew she was out of clean underwear...those days were all happy days. But that was before Samuel.

"Hey, can you do a consult on one of my patients later?" Alex asked, coming to stand next to him.

"Sure," Jackson said, thinking over his schedule and making time for Alex's case.

Arizona walked up to the counter and started discussing a case with Alex. Jackson had been receiving death glares from Arizona all week. Jackson assumed she was hearing a lot of shit about him from April. Jackson usually exited as quickly and swiftly as possible to escape her withering looks and clipped tones, but for some reason today he glared back at Arizona pointedly until she refocused her attention to Alex and continued to review their notes.

Jackson smiled to himself briefly and looked down at his notes until he felt Arizona's eyes refocus on him. He smile fell from his face and he asked her, "Do you have a problem, Dr. Robins?"

Arizona looked at him as if she had all the hate in the world for him, yet she was practically chewing off her own tongue so she wouldn't scream at him.

"What?" Jackson asked.

"How could you do that to her?" Arizona hissed, "Serving April like that?"

"Just because April talks about this with you, it doesn't mean this is any of your business," Jackson explained, attempting to stay calm, "But I am sorry that April was hurt like this and that the papers were served here and not in private. I didn't want that to happen that way."

Arizona rolled her eyes in disbelief and said, "You don't know what you have done." She glanced at Alex who had stayed in place, but hadn't looked up from his chart. She then stalked away and Alex finally looked up at her retreating form and then to Jackson.

"Jesus Christ," Jackson murmured under his breath.

When Jackson expected Alex to agree, he was met with something worse than Arizona's wrath...Alex's silence. It was a major judgement.

"Can you believe her?" Jackson asked, trying to earn a reaction from Karev.

"Whatever," Alex said, sighing and snapping his chart closed, "See you for the consult later."

Jackson watched as Alex follow the path the Robins had taken earlier and left Jackson alone. He sighed and looked at his watch. Maybe when he was in the consult later, he would be able to talk more to Alex. Jackson usually didn't listen to hospital chatter, but he needed to know what the hell was going around about him.

April

April slid out of her lab coat and hung it on the hook in her cubby and pulled her clothes out and laid them out on the bench next to her. As she kicked off her sneakers, Jackson walked in and stood there for second just looking at her.

April sighed and bent over, grabbing her sneakers and sliding them into her cubby, removing the flats she had worn to work. It had started raining and flats weren't practical in rain.

"Can we talk?" Jackson asked, slipping his hands in his pockets.

April stood and looked at him for a second then at the clock over his head. She didn't have a lot of time before her scheduled physical at the Recruitment office.

She stripped off her shirt and turned her back on him, murmuring, "Talk."

"Look, I am sorry the divorce papers were delivered to you here. I didn't want it to happen that way," Jackson said, "I wanted to talk to you first and let you know they were coming."

April inhaled sharply and said, "Okay."

"Come on, April, talk to me," Jackson said, his eyebrows scrunched in the way that made her want to smooth them out with her fingers. Used to make her want to smooth them out. Used to. "I am sorry. I want us to not do this on bad terms," Jackson said, causing something in April to recoil. Was he kidding her. He had filed for divorce on top of the already shit year she had been through.

April shimmied into her jeans, zipped her zipper and turned to him.

"I am sorry I am not the perky, bubbly April you need me to be right now. I don't know what you expected, but this...divorce...is not something that we can do on good terms. I wish we could do 'conscious uncoupling', whatever the hell that means, but I can't. I am just trying to hold myself together. And it's so hard for me. And it's so much harder, Jackson, when I have to see you...interact with you, talk to you," April said, her body shaking.

"So just stay away from me. Please. Just stay away," April said. It was phrased like a request, but it was a command. And Jackson knew it.

April jerked her shirt on over her head and grabbed her jacket and purse out of her locker then walked around Jackson, leaving him in the lounge behind her.

April walked to Cardio and searched out Riggs. She found him and he looked at his watch and nodded. She asked Riggs to borrow her car if it was raining. Riggs walked over to her and asked, "Parked in the east lot."

April nodded, pocketing the keys, "Thanks Nathan."

"You going to tell me where your appointment is?" he asked.

April gave him a small smile and said, "Soon. I promise. Thanks for the car."

Nathan smiled back and said, "Drive safe."

April turned and headed out of the unit, walking to the east lot. April easily spotted Nathan's SUV and slid behind the wheel, inhaling Nathan's shampoo and bodywash. No cologne. She remembered working with him and distinctly missing the smell of Jackson's scent...his shampoo, his body wash, his cologne. Jackson always smelled and looked so perfect. Nathan was army...he was clean and practical.

April shook her head of those thoughts, not wanting to spiral into thoughts of Jackson or his scents.

April pulled into traffic, nervous and excited as she wound her way towards the recruitment office. She hadn't told anyone except her parents that she had decided to go back to the Middle East. She wanted to get an official deployment date and location, and that only happened once she passed her physical.

April pulled in front of the army center and climbed out of the car pulling her purse and all the paperwork out that she would need.

April walked through the door and up to the receptionist and said, "I am here for a physical exam."

The receptionist nodded and pointed to a bank of vinyl chairs as she handed her a clipboard.

"Fill this out," she said.

April nodded taking the clipboard over to the chairs and making herself comfortable as she settled down to fill out the basic medical background information. As she made her way through the list, she remembered the first time she did this and being so nervous. She was nervous for basic training. She had wondered if she was making an impulsive mistake after Samuel's death.

Now none of that scared her she filled out her paperwork. She paused as she made her way through the questions: Name, SS#, DOB, Gender, Address, but she paused at Marital Status: Single, Married, Separated, Divorced, Prefer not to answer…

April's pen hovered between the married and separated checkbox. Last time, she had been married and didn't even hesitate. Now, April knew her pen should be hovering between separated and divorced. She know it was still fresh, but her lawyer that she had met with said that the post-nup was very clean and would cause no hiccups with a expedient divorce with Jackson. It had hurt to hear her marriage was going to be over so quickly, but she had to admit that she wasn't up to a long, hard divorce where they fought over every little dish and knick knack. She'd rather have the band-aid ripped off.

April inhaled and then slowly let out a sigh, and with shaking hand, marked 'Separated'. She continued to make her way down the list, thoroughly answering questions regarding illnesses prone to her family's gene pool. Red hair and neurosis anomalies specific to her were not options to select.

She flipped the page over, and the next question, took her aback.

"When was the first day of your last period?"

April wracked her brain, trying to recall the last time she had her period. When she had first come back…? She honestly couldn't remember.

 _Shit…_

"Dr. April Kepner?"

April looked up to see a army medic nurse holding a clipboard and looking to April expectantly.

April slowly stood, glancing down at the blank slip.

"It's okay we can finish in there," the nurse said, gesturing to a door to the side of reception.

April grabbed her purse and followed the nurse into room, her mind desperately trying to remember her last period. Nothing came to mind...maybe 6 weeks. Maybe more…?

"In here please," the nurse said, gesturing to an exam room.

April sat on the exam table and looked down at the clipboard. She could not be pregnant. She just could not be...it was not the right time. She had already made peace with a life without Jackson, but this...this would mean Jackson would be in her life forever.

April suddenly felt like throwing up.

 **Let me know what y'all think everyone and have a great weekend!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi all, I will admit...this story isn't pretty. A lot of you are looking for a light and fluffly but the show has really taken this couple to some dark places the past two seasons so I am writing in that vein...hopefully I can write out of it with the vague outline I have in my head and create a happy ending.**

 **This is the story where we start to see deviations from the show.**

 **Enjoy!**

Penetralia

Chapter 9

April

Instead of going back to work like she originally planned, she went to the Nathan's apartment. That meant she was going to have to pick Nathan up later, but that was fine.

April entered their apartment, grabbed a throw blanket and sank to the couch. She grabbed the remote and clicked on the Food Network, but didn't focus on anything that was being made. The physical went great, despite not knowing when her last period was. Typically she tracked it, but things had been so crazy that things like this slipped her mind.

During the physical, the nurse had given her a pregnancy test which came out negative. To make sure, the nurse decided to run a blood test just in case. While the pregnancy test that had been negative was a relief, it was also hard to hear. Not long ago, April and Jackson had been actively attempting to get pregnant. To be relieved about it was an odd response...but she was.

With the way things were going with Jackson, a child was something she didn't want. It would only complicate things. The nurse said she would call in the morning with the results from the blood test to confirm it.

April sighed and glanced at the TV screen where the Barefoot Contessa whipped up potato basil frittata. April followed what Ina was doing on TV and the next thing she knew, her cell phone buzzing was waking her up from the world's longest nap.

April looked at the window and then at her watch...crap! Nathan was probably waiting for her.

"Nathan I am so sorry, I am on my way" she said without looking at the caller ID, glancing around for Nathan's keys.

"It's Jackson," Jackson said after a second.

"Oh," April said, "I am sorry, I am just late in picking Nathan up."

"It's okay," Jackson said, "I just wanted to let you know that I...I am sorry. And I really heard you today. And I want you to know I am very sorry for how this has gone down so far, but I understand if you are upset or mad at me."

April sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes.

"Thank you for saying that," she said, "I will see you at the meeting with the lawyers."

"You are taking tomorrow off?" Jackson asked.

"Yeah, I have things to get done," April hedged, not ready to tell Jackson that she was deploying. Not yet, especially since this was the first positive conversation they had in a long time.

"Okay," Jackson said, "See you at the meeting."

The meeting where they were getting divorced. April ignored the pain that the statement inspired and said, "Yep, see you then." She then hung up and dialed Nathan.

"Kepner, I am just getting out of surgery and need to follow up with the patient's' family," Nathan said.

"I will get in the car because you should be done by the time I get there," April replied.

"Great, can you grab some food on the way?"

"Sure," clicking the phone off and grabbing her purse. She called the Italian sub shop down the street as she headed to the car and ordered two meatball hoagies for pickup. She swung by the sandwich shop first and then steered the car to the hospital.

She pulled up to the front of the hospital where Nathan would walk out and waited. She only waited about five minutes.

He climbed in the passenger seat and said, "Those smell amazing. Thanks for grabbing them."

April said, "No problem. So I need to tell you something."

"If you clogged the drain again with you hair," he said, glancing at her, "I swear we are buzzing your head. I snaked the drain just last week."

April guffawed and glanced at him before and said, "I re-enlisted. I ship out in less than two weeks."

Nathan looked at her in shock and said, "Are you serious?"

April nodded and kept her eyes on the road, not wanting to see what his reaction would be.

"Is this you running again or are you just trying to get your mind off everything going on with Jackson?"

"Neither," April said, "Really. I know it looks like I am running, but I am not. There is nothing holding me here anymore. Jackson is divorcing me, Hunt doesn't need my help. He has the ER and I don't want it if it means that he isn't there. I want to feel useful and like I have a purpose. Now that I know that my life with Jackson is no longer an option, this is my next best option."

Nathan was silent and April added, "I want to go. You know what it's like over there."

Nathan remained silent for the rest of the ride to the apartment. They rode the elevator up in silence and as they entered the apartment, they each propped up on a barstool to the island and dug into their dinners. It was no potato basil frittata, but it was damn good.

"So you are shipping out. Do you know where yet? Jordan or…?" he said around a mouthful of meatball.

"I haven't received my location yet, I just took the physical today and approximate date," April said, sipping out of a wine glass.

Nathan nodded and said, "You know, I do know what it's like over there. It's easy to get lost in that environment. Just...just don't get lost too long."

April remained silent as Nathan gathered their wrappers and trashing them. He kissed her forehead and said, "I'll miss you, Kepner."

April smiled and said, "Yeah, but you won't miss unclogging my luscious locks from the shower drain."

"Very true," he chuckled, "I am going to watch the game. Want to join me?"

April shrugged and flopped on the couch next to him, flipping through a magazine so she wouldn't be bored.

Jackson

"You want this?" April asked, her voice thick and her eyes shining with tears, her pen poised.

Jackson swallowed as he maintained eye contact with her. Did he want this? It seemed like this is what he wanted for months, but it _felt_ so completely wrong now that she was actually sitting across from him. Everything inside of him was against this. He remembered when he first met April...she had changed so much since then. She was still the same sweet, kind, and beautiful woman, but she had changed over the years. Been through so much and he had been apart of that stunning transformation. Did he really want to let go of everything they had? Everything they had been through?

April's hazel eyes watered over as the silence dragged on and she took it as an affirmation, because she softly said, "Okay."

She reached for the paper and carefully signed. Her tears fell on the papers and the image broke something in Jackson. Each signature was like a tethered rope being painfully cut and Jackson couldn't stop his tears from falling as he watched her sign the last piece of paper. Without looking to Jackson, she set her pen down and it was done. They were divorced. Jackson trembled with the weight of it. What had he done?

April turned to her attorney and asked, "Is that all?"

Her attorney nodded and April stood, grabbing her purse and quietly leaving the room. Jackson tried to rub the tears from his eyes as he watched her go without even a glance his way. April was no longer his wife.

Jackson was now divorced. His attorney patted him on the back as April's attorney packed up her things and left the room.

"Dr. Avery? Can I get you a glass of water or coffee?" his lawyer asked gently.

Jackson shook his head and said, "Can I have the room please?"

His lawyer said, "Of course."

As the door clicked closed behind him, Jackson cradled his face in his hands and sobbed for the first time in he didn't know how long. He couldn't believe it was done. He felt...terrible didn't begin to cover it. He expected it to be terrible, but he also expected some relief that it was all done. He felt no relief. What he feared he was fearing was regret.

Had he really just let April walk away from him and out of his life? April had been the love of his life. The one.

Jackson realized that his heart was breaking in this moment. Until now, he never really believed he and April would ever be out of each other's life, but after seeing April sign those papers, he realized what it all meant…" _You want this?_ " How could he have wanted this? He hurt so much.

Jackson knew now he didn't want any of this to have happened. He realized that there was so much blame that he had placed on April for how they got here, but they had gotten here together. He was at fault too. He loved her and then he turned his back on her worse than when she had turned her back on him.

Jackson felt miserable. And alone. And afraid. And now he had to go to work. April had been smart to take her day off after this. He didn't think it would be this difficult.

Jackson collected himself enough to at least thank his lawyer for his work and then walked out of the room where he had ended it all. Where he lost his wife and everything he had planned for their future together.

Jackson's lawyer was waiting for him and after briefly thanking him and shaking his hand, Jackson walked out of the office, wondering how he would face going to work.

After parking in the east lot, Jackson just sat in the car, staring at the hospital. It was a place where Jackson and April had grown together as surgeons and as friends and lovers. Now...it was a place that held so many memories. It was haunted. And he didn't want to go in.

Jackson inhaled and told himself not be scared. He could do this. He pushed himself out of the car and across the lot to the hospital and quickly slipped through the halls towards his office. He sank to his desk and saw a couple of phone messages from him mother. She wanted him to call her when it was done. It was done, but it was not good.

Jackson sighed and decided to put off talking to his mother until he was sure he wouldn't break down in front of everyone. He desperately needed a drink.

Jackson flipped his computer open and began scrolling through his email when a new email popped up with the Subject: Surgical Department Staffing Announcement. Usually it meant someone was hired or fired. Jackson clicked the email open and read:

" _Dr. April Kepner has informed Dr. Owen Hunt she is pursuing other opportunities abroad. Please join us in wishing her the best of luck in all of her future endeavors. Dr. April Kepner has been a key member of the trauma unit and integral in updating emergency protocol and procedure in the department under Dr. Owen Hunt…."_

The email went on and on about April's many successes including her role as chief resident and her honorable time serving the US Army Medics.

Jackson was shocked...well, shocked didn't cover it.

When did she plan this? Why didn't she tell him?

He then remembered two things...they way he had the divorce papers delivered so inconsiderately.

And the second thing...they were no longer married. April didn't need to share these things with him.

Jackson slammed his laptop shut and knocked his coffee cup across the room, shattering it against the wall.

"I take it you saw the news about April," Owen said from the doorway.

Jackson looked up at him and sighed, "I..it's really not a good time to talk."

"I heard that the signing was happening today," Owen said gently, "I am sorry."

Jackson looked up at Owen, "When you and Cristina ended it, did you have regrets?"

Owen looked at him and Jackson immediately said, "Sorry it's none of my business."

"Of course I had regrets," Owen said after a second, "We both did."

"We wanted different things, we had different plans for how our lives would go...plans that didn't gel with the others. That's the hardest part...letting go because you know it's right, but there is still so much love there."

 _So_ much...Jackson still loved and cared for April so much. How had he forgotten that?

"I will never stop loving Cristina," Owen said, "But she is doing what she needs to do and wants to do. She is doing what is making her happy. So that makes me happy, even though …"

"Even though you aren't happy," Jackson finished.

Owen gave him a sad look and nodded, "It was awful at first, but it has gotten better."

What Owen wasn't saying was that it wouldn't be completely better ever, because Cristina was...his person. Just like April was his person...the most special person and friend he had ever known.

Jackson nodded and said, "I think I am going to get out of here if you don't mind. I shouldn't have even come in. Can you-"

"Go," Owen said, "I will update the schedules and surgery board."

Jackson stood and thanked Owen and said, "Thanks."

"Hang in there Avery," Owen said.

Jackson grabbed his wallet and keys and headed out, going to the nearest bar.

April

April's swollen eyes protested as more tears threatened to spill over. Honestly...she was amazed at how much she had cried. She thought eventually they would run out, and this was coming from a doctor.

April went to the bathroom, wet a washcloth with cold water and walked back to her bed. Her duvet was barely visible beneath all the tissues. She laid back in bed and placed the cool washcloth over her hot, tear filled eyes.

April inhaled deeply and swallowed deeply against another round of tears.

It had been a bad day. She was divorced...and she was miserable. And she felt so alone. Even when it was bad with Jackson, he was her person. Now that they were divorced...well, he couldn't be her person. It just didn't work that way.

The one thing she had was her deployment. Nathan had called it running and avoidance, but April saw it as moving forward in the most productive way possible. If she stayed...well, there weren't enough tissues in Seattle. And she couldn't watch Jackson start dating again...She. Could. Not. Stephanie had been hard enough.

April threw the washcloth aside and focused on the ceiling when her phone rang. Probably Nathan checking on her. Thank God he was on call tonight and didn't have to see her in this pathetic state.

"Yes?" she said, her voice scratchy.

"Dr. Kepner?" a booming voice said over the phone. There was a lot of background noise, making it difficult to hear.

"Yes, this is she," she said, sitting up.

"It's Joe down at Emerald City. I think you should come down and get Jackson. I am closing out his account and he isn't in the best shape to get home to you safely."

April sighed and closed her eyes. Obviously Jackson had neglected to tell Joe the reason he was so sloshed was because they were now divorced. Joe was so used to calling her to come get him since their intern years.

"I'll be right down," she said, "Make sure he doesn't leave and no more scotch."

"See you soon," Joe said, hanging up.

April climbed out of her bed and walked to the bathroom. She looked like crap. No makeup, her hair a mess...her eyes puffy and red from crying. Crappy yoga pants and a tshirt that should have been tossed out long ago. It used to be Jackson's.

April called a cab and walked to the living room and slipped her sneakers on. She grabbed her wallet and the keys and headed down to the lobby where she waited for two minutes while the taxi pulled up. She couldn't believe this was how her first night of being a divorcee was going. Picking up her drunk ex-husband.

April gave the address and looked out at the rain soaked streets. It really was beautiful here. When it rained, the streets glowed with reflected light.

The cab pulled to a stop and April asked, "Wait here will ya?" He nodded and April climbed out and walked to the door and looked around.

She found him hunched over the bar, barely able to sit up. April sighed and walked over to him.

"Jackson?"

Jackson turned and she saw he looked how she felt. Terrible. Miserable. Heartbroken.

"Oh Jackson," April said, her nose smelling just how much she had to drink.

"April," he murmured, reaching for her and missing by a foot.

"Come on," April said, sliding her shoulders under his arm and wrapping hers around his waist to guide him.

April nodded to Joe and asked Jackson, "Did you settle your tab?"

"April," he slurred terribly.

April glanced to Joe and he nodded and waved his hand and April nodded and began to take Jackson out of the crowded bar.

"Come on," April said, "I got this cab here."

She half guided half shoved Jackson into the cab and then climbed in the other side and gave the address to Jackson's apartment.

"April, I…," Jackson slurred, his eyes closed and his head leaned against the seat. He was so drunk he didn't know what he was saying.

"We are almost home Jackson," April said.

"Please come home," Jackson whispered, moving closer to her.

April swallowed deeply, her eyes watering...home. She didn't have a home with him anymore. Instead of responding, she remained silent until the driver pulled to a stop.

April payed him and he helped get Jackson out of the cab.

"You got him?" he asked, his eyes sympathetic to her.

"I do, thank you," April said, taking Jackson from him and walking him to the front door.

"Dr. Kepner," the door man Jim said, taking Jackson's other arm and walking him to the elevator.

"Thank you Jim, I can take it from here," April said.

"Are you sure, ma'am?"

April nodded and together they got Jackson in the elevator and Jim stepped out after pressing the button to their floor.

"Do you have your keys Jackson?" April asked, eyeing his pockets for evidence of them.

"You told me to put them on the hook," Jackson said his eyes closed still and his words nonsensical.

The elevator dinged and April pulled Jackson from the elevator and felt in his jacket pockets for the keys. April probed his pants pockets and was surprised to feel her engagement and wedding band in one of them.

April hiccuped back a sob as Jackson stumbled over the hallway carpet and almost face planted into the door. No keys necessary.

April wiped her eyes and then reached in the other pocket successful this time. She extracted his keys and walked into the apartment.

She clicked on the lights and walked Jackson to the couch and helped him to lie down.

She walked to the kitchen and grabbed one of the large glasses and filled it with water. She then looked into the fridge and found some bagels and cream cheese. She popped the bagel into the microwave and walked over to Jackson on the couch.

April perched on the coffee table and said, "Jackson...Jackson. You need to wake up and drink some water."

"Scotch?"

"No water," April said softly, grabbing his hand and wrapping it around the cup.

Jackson remained passed out and April snapped, "Come on Jackson, sit up."

Jackson's eyes opened and he struggled to sit up. She guided his hand with the glass of water to his mouth and helped him take the first few gulps.

The toaster dinged and April walked to the kitchen and slathered a bit of cream cheese on it and then walked over to Jackson and said, "I think you should try and eat this to soak up whatever you drank tonight."

Jackson had finished off the glass of water and April walked back to the kitchen to put away the cream cheese and refill the water. She then rinsed the knife she used, and placed it in the dishwasher.

April sat across from Jackson again, surprised to find him watching her and his eyes a little clearer.

"Why are you leaving?" Jackson slurred.

"Jackson…" April said, looking down at her shoes.

"Don't leave, please," Jackson said in a soft voice, "Don't leave me again April."

April's bottom lip wobbled and she looked up at him and said, "You won't remember any of this in the morning."

"I love you," Jackson whispered, his eyes closed again, his body relaxing in the cushy pillows on the couch.

April cried quietly as she took the glass from Jackson's hand and placing it on the coffee table across from him.

She walked to the bathroom, and took one moment to collect herself as best as she could, grabbed the trashcan and the tylenol and walked back out to the living room. Jackson was fully passed out now and snoring softly on the couch.

She set the trashcan in perfect proximity should Jackson wake up and get sick. She then pulled off Jackson's shoes and grabbed the nearby throw and draped it over him. Jackson instinctively snuggled deeper into the cushions and April couldn't help a small half-smile at the movement.

She reached forward and rolled him so he was on his side facing the trashcan and put a pillow behind his back so he wouldn't roll.

"Jackson," April said, shaking him slightly.

"Huunnnhh…" he groaned in response.

"There's a trashcan right here," April said, "Right in front of you.

Jackson grunted and April stood to leave, but sank back on the couch near his feet and put her hand on his leg.

"Jackson?" she whispered, her voice thick with tears, "I love you too."

She got up and set her rings on the counter again and put his keys on the hook again, just like the last time she was here. She glanced back at Jackson and then left the apartment and cried all the way home.

 **So...don't hate me, please.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi all! I am giving you a nice long chapter. I was inspired to finish and edit this chapter today and it brought me back to my writing, so yay!**

 **Enjoy this long chapter!**

Penetralia

Chapter 10

Jackson

What brought Jackson out of sleep wasn't sunlight or an alarm clock sounding. It was a dull thud rolling through his entire body and culminating painfully in his head. Before he opened his eyes, he cursed himself for drinking this much and the day for existing.

Jackson cracked open one of his eyes to a glass of water a bagel six hours past fresh and tylenol. Jackson squeezed his eyes closed and groaned to the empty apartment. The refrigerator churned in response and he opened his eyes to a trashcan in front of him. It was tempting, but he thought the contents of his stomach were stable for now.

Jackson rolled onto his back and eased himself to a seated position. As he did, the events leading to this mornings runaway trainwreck of a hangover came back to him. His divorce, his regret, his pain...the news that April was leaving. April….

The night fast forwarded in his head and he remembered that April had crossed his path last night somehow. And he remembered that she had put the trashcan in front of his face, so she had been the one to take him home.

Jackson looked around the apartment for evidence that she had stayed. Thank God, it looked like she hadn't. He owed her a major apology.

Jackson reached for the water and the painkillers and knocked them back. He chugged the water, his mouth tasting and feeling dry and stale. Jackson slowly let his body adjust to being upright and functioning at a normal level.

Jackson stood, grabbing the trash can and walking towards the bathroom. He set the trashcan back in it's spot and stood over the sink, breathing evenly to make sure he wasn't going to be sick. He started the shower up and quickly shed his stale clothes that smelled like bar and body.

He quickly showered, trying to catch up with the morning. He wanted to apologize to April and thank her for getting him home. Now that they were divorced, that was that last thing she should have had to deal with.

Jackson remembered so little from last night. He remembered Joe cutting him off and resting his head on the bar. He remembered climbing in the cab. He remembered the doorman and April opening the door to his apartment with shaking hands. Or maybe his drunken vision imagined that.

He remembered the feel of her hand on his leg and whispering something that he just couldn't dredge up from his alcohol addled thoughts. He remembered nothing of what he had said to her. Jackson hoped he had been too drunk to form words and if he had, he hoped he slurred them so April couldn't have understood him.

Jackson was rushing to the front door, grasping the pockets of his jacket for his keys when he caught sight of them on the hook. April always put the keys back on the hook.

He grabbed the keys and headed out, focusing on the road instead of his pounding headache and the coming encounter with April.

Jackson parked in his usual spot and walked in, head down. He didn't want to interact with anyone. He wanted to change into his scrubs, find April to apologize, and then hide in the ORs and his office until his headache went away.

Once changed, he slowly steered his feet towards the ER and glanced around for April, but didn't find her.

Jackson sighed and looked to a passing nurse and asked, "Kepner in yet?"

"Haven't seen her yet," she said, grabbing a clipboard and walking away.

Jackson's brow crinkled in confusion as he looked at the clock. She was usually in no later than 8AM and it was almost 10:30AM.

Jackson walked towards the ER board and checked the schedule to see if she had anything scheduled for later.

"Jackson," April said behind him, causing him to jump and spin around.

April startled at his reaction and almost dropped everything she was holding.

Jackson and April both gained their composure and stared at eachother for a few moments. April looked down at her hands and then handed the contents to Jackson, "I, uh, got this for you."

Jackson took the large soda drink and bag from McDonald's and looked at April in bafflement.

"Trust me, it will make you feel so much better. That and a banana bag," April said, gesturing to the fast food.

"My stomach is not really up to food right now," Jackson said.

"Nathan made me try it and it almost immediately began settling my stomach and the pop really helped my headache," April said.

Jackson nodded and said, "Thanks."

April nodded and looked up at him in a sad way then said, "Well feel better."

"April," Jackson said, "Thank you for last night. You didn't need to be there, but thank you."

April nodded and said, "Anytime."

As he watched her begin to walk away again and he called out, "I got the notice that you are leaving."

April turned and nodded and said, "It's the right move for me right now."

He wondered if she was going back to Army Medics over in the Middle East. Jackson opened his mouth to answer when a code blue sounded. April spun on her heel on instinct and took off. Jackson took off after her, dropping his fries and coke on the nearest cart so his hands were free. April was already lost in the crowd of people gathering around the reception door.

Jackson watched as a line of ambulances approached the ER as he tied on a yellow trauma gown. He spotted April in the front and realized that this well-oiled machine wouldn't have it's leader. She stood in the front, everyone gathered around her, waiting for her to give orders as the first ambulances pulled in.

He pushed those thoughts aside as the first patient looked to be a burn patient.

"Jackson?" April called out, "This is yours."

Jackson sprang to life and ran with the gurney as April focused her attention onto the next ambulance.

April

April yawned as she reached behind her and untied the scrub gown from her neck. She checked her watch and swore under her breath. Her parents had flown in to visit her this afternoon and this massive emergency meant she wasn't able to pick them up and that she would be tied up for awhile.

They had decided to fly in to check on her after the divorce and also to see her before she deployed.

April had arranged for a car to pick them up and take them to their hotel. As April walked to the changing room, she called her parents to update them.

"Hi Mom," April said once her mom answered on the second ring, "I just got done, so I will change and head over to the hotel to meet up with you and Dad. If you have already eaten, maybe we can go and grab some dessert."

"Oh sounds great sweetheart, but we are downstairs in the lobby waitin' on you, so don't rush."

Her mom was using her gentle mom voice and April sighed, readying herself for her mom to hover around her the next couple of days. Her and her mother had a wonderful relationship, but April struggled with having her mom step in and treat her like a...well, like a mom.

"Okay, great," April said, grabbing her clothes out of the cubby, "I will be right down."

April quickly got dressed, checked her makeup and hair, and then headed down to the lobby. She spotted her parents and stopped moving towards them when she saw Jackson in his regular clothes with her parents chatting. Oh jeez, how awkward.

April walked up and gave a tight smile to Jackson and her parents. Jackson looked at her guiltily as if he had been caught and it was then that she realized he had. He looked like he was on his way out when her parents had spotted him and called him over.

"I hear you are heading back to the Middle East," Jackson said, gesturing to her parents.

April nodded and said, "I am. Pakistan this time."

Jackson looked shaken by that news and stared at her for a minute. April turned to her parents and said, "Ready for dessert?"

Her mom nodded and bent down and grabbed her purse and jacket. Her dad regarded Jackson for a second before extending his hand and shaking Jackson's hand.

"Nice to see you Jackson," April's mom said, standing to April's side firmly and motioning for April's dad Joe to follow.

"Have a good night," Jackson said kindly, recovering from the awkward encounter and watching them leave.

April led her parents out of the hospital and bit her lip from snapping at them. She didn't need them stirring shit up with Jackson. Jackson wasn't her husband, so they should just mind their own business and not interact with him unnecessarily.

"April, sweetheart," her dad said, "He approached us and asked how we were. He then asked about your deployment and that was when you came up. We were very taken aback."

April sighed. Her daddy was so sweet. So kind. She looked into his concerned and caring eyes which were mirrored by her mother's and she stopped and then hugged her mom and her dad wrapped his arms around both of them.

"It's just been so hard," April said, choking back tears, "And he's everywhere."

Her mom ran her hands over her hair like she had when April was little. April felt so safe and loved when her mom did that. Like a little girl who depended on her mom to take everything wrong in her life away, but knew she couldn't this time.

"We know, sweetheart," her dad said, kissing her temple lovingly.

April pulled back and her mom said, "I think cake is needed. Let's go grab some dessert."

April smiled, wiping her tears and nodded.

Jackson

Jackson unlocked his door, forgoing a trip to Joe's bar since last night had been a trainwreck and he had a very long day.

And on top of everything, he now knew April was definitely going back to the Middle East in a much more dangerous location. She didn't seem concerned, but Jackson sure as hell was. He wondered how her parents were okay with this.

Jackson threw his bag down on the floor and shrugged out of his jacket. He walked to the kitchen and stared into the fridge. When April lived here, there were always groceries and leftovers to snack on, but now all that occupied his fridge was beer and every condiment created, but nothing to eat it on.

Jackson grabbed a water and walked to the living room, debating Chinese vs. Pizza. He settled on Chinese and dialed the closest place.

Jackson sank to the couch, waiting for his Chinese. As he flipped through the channels, he wasn't really paying attention to what was on when something caught his eye.

A newsreel reporting the latest activity in the Middle East. Jackson watched, going back to last year when he would try and imagine April, his April, in these oftentimes horrific scenes depicted on the news. Like now, he could imagine her bravery and determination, but he worried so much about her being there. One bullet...one stray bullet could take her from him.

Jackson leaned forward as he imagined April into what he was seeing this time. Dread washed over him as he pictured her in the fray of what looked like a choatic protest gone wrong. Jackson was pulled out of his growing anxiety when the door knocked. He grabbed his wallet off the counter and pulled out a twenty.

He paid the delivery guy and thanked him, turning to the couch and coffee table but paused as he looked at the screen replaying the same newsreel over and over.

Jackson was frozen for a second and then made a snap decision.

He grabbed his keys and wallet, taking the chinese with him and heading for the door.

April

April and Nathan were settled on the couch, both drifting after a long, exhausting day. They were unwinding in front of the television. April closed her eyes listening to Nathan change the channel to some basketball game. She couldn't blame him. She had pushed to watch a PBS special on National Parks and Nathan equated it with water torture.

April felt no guilt as she settled further in the pillows and rolled to face the away from the TV.

"Hey Kepner," Nathan said, nudging her feet, "Go to bed. I am not carrying you to bed again. I almost threw out my back last time."

April peeked an eye open and gently kicked Nathan and tiredly grumbled, "Are you calling me fat?"

Nathan chuckled and began to try and talk his way out of his gaffe but was cut off by the door knocking.

"I will overlook your idiocy if you answer the door," April said, snatching the remote and flipping through the channels to PBS. What, she liked history.

Nathan answered the door and said, "Oh...hey, man."

April looked up to Nathan and Jackson standing in the door staring at her.

"Did you order Chinese?" Nathan asked awkwardly and it was then that April noticed that Jackson was indeed holding bags from the Chinese place near Jackson's place.

"Hey," April said awkwardly, sitting up and pressing mute on the television.

Nathan cleared his throat and said, "I am heading to bed. Night."

Jackson and April watched Nathan close his bedroom door behind him to give them privacy and April looked to Jackson who was still standing there.

"I just wanted to stop by again and apologize for last night," Jackson said, shuffling his feet. April stood and said, "Really, it was fine."

"And I am sorry about earlier tonight with your parents," Jackson said, his eyes fixed to her.

April shrugged and said, "It's going to take awhile to get used to...everything now."

Jackson and April stood in silence and Jackson broke it by holding up the Chinese and saying, "Want some? I got your favorite...out of habit."

April shook her head and asked, "Why are you really here Jackson?"

"I...don't know," Jackson said, looking to the ground.

April sighed and sank back to the couch and said, "I can't keep doing this with you. It's too hard and you don't seem to understand I can't be around you."

Jackson looked up at her and then walked over to her and perched on the coffee table in front of her.

"I know...I just...I don't think...I can't imagine never seeing or talking to you ever again. Lot of habits breaking lately," Jackson said, "I know that we're divorced, but-"

"No Jackson, no buts! You divorced me yesterday," April said, her voice firm and getting louder, "I am leaving next week, and until then, I would appreciate it if we could just steer clear of each other."

"April, please," Jackson said.

"What do you want from me Jackson?" April asked, her eyes watering, "I can't imagine what you would want from me. I was your wife not even two days ago and you could have had anything and everything from me then, but you didn't. And now you are everywhere. What do you want from me...your ex-wife? That's what I am and that's what you have made me."

Jackson was staring at April, open-mouthed at her outburst and said, "I want...I don't want you to be my ex-wife. I don't know what I want...but I don't want that. I want to be your friend again and I want...I want you in my life, I just don't know how to fix everything."

April sank to the couch once more and stared across the small space between them and said, "I don't want that now. Not now. I am hurt too much. I am way beyond being in a place to even consider being your friend."

"And I don't mean that in a bitchy, ex-wife way, but in the way that everytime I see you my heart breaks apart more and more and right now the pieces are finer than sand. It's going to take so long to put myself back together and I can't do it with you in the picture."

"That's what happened with Samuel," Jackson said, "I don't want to lose you like I did then."

April looked down at his hands, still gripping the Chinese bag.

"Look," April said, "Remember when you were sick that one time and I tried to take care of you, but you wouldn't let me?"

Jackson nodded and April said, "It's like that. I don't like when someone has to take care of me or tries to put me back together when I am broken. I need to do that myself. That's why whenever my mom comes to visit, she drives me crazy. It's not just you."

Jackson nodded and stood and said, "I get that." He walked toward the door, his shoulders slumped.

"It was the same with Samuel, Jackson. I needed to put myself together. It had nothing to do with you," April said gently, standing, "But I don't think I ever really made you understand that. I am sorry for that."

Jackson nodded, his hand on the door and said, "And I am sorry I didn't try to see it."

There it was...the conflict that had torn them apart...boiled down and resolved. Why couldn't they have understood before the divorce...before all the pain.

April swallowed the lump in her throat and Jackson said, "If we don't see each other before you leave, be safe."

April nodded and as Jackson opened the door she blurted out, "Last night you said you loved me."

Jackson froze and turned to face her again, his face unsure and nervous.

"I said I loved you too, even though we have hurt each other horribly, I still love you and will always love and care about you Jackson," April finished, walking toward him and hugging him.

"If we don't see each other before I leave," April said against his shoulder, "I want you to know that."

Jackson wrapped his arms around her tightly and held her against him and she felt that stirring inside her that was never absent when he embraced her. It spoke of the tender history shared between them including friendship, love, and genuine companionship.

Jackson pulled back from her and tucked her hair behind her ear and said, "Goodbye April."

"Goodbye Jackson."

 **Okay, so I loaned my love of PBS, history documentaries and National Parks to April...don't judge me!**

 **Anyway, I am writing when I get the inspiration to write and I appreciate all of you dedicated readers and your patience for my process. I am working my way to getting full time access to a computer too. So hopefully inspiration comes more frequently once I can get a new laptop.**

 **Thanks for reading everyone!**


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